2018'S BITS AND BOBS

One of two books I adopted from a local bookshop in Tiong Bahru. Wasn't sure the shake came from my trembling hands or plane's turbulence.

My plane was delayed for almost 20 minutes. It got me worried a little because I started to assume that something went wrong with the aircraft. Was it broken? Did it need any repair or fix? I did know nothing but I don't mind waiting any longer as long as I can fly safely. But not long after my mind unstoppably presumed that something was off, I saw a red plane had just landed safely right before my eyes. "It must be my plane", told myself. Ten minutes later, a lady from the intercom told me that I and the rest of the passengers were expected to board the aircraft and start the journey. Turned out, the flight was pleasant, the aircraft's okay, and the weather was so friendly.

Maybe it's darkness that pops out your true colors

The story above was only an example of overthinking-schemes I often made in multiple situations. It was always been like that; I keep assuming bad things and my mind would convince me those assumptions were about to happen even things around me were completely clear and okay. If I had a genie to grant my wishes, one of them has to be my stop thinking things way too much. And even though I knew being an overthinker was (oftentimes, personally) stupid and pointless, still my attempts on ditching such habit were considered to be one of the toughest and densest endeavour I had ever done in my life.

2018 is a tangled yarn to me.  To the overthinking me. It's never been easy to unravel things because circumstances were just too complicated to handle and I have never felt more alone before. The later was a wake-up call to me and the reason why I walked out the situation. I was bloody —figuratively— and teary —literally— almost half of the year. I lose weight. My sleeping pattern was poor and extremely chaotic. Eyes were sagging and wet for quite a while. It was really draining. Trust issues followed to rise and stuck me quite a long while.

Ain't mysteries make things beautiful?

I was this razor-thin, fully-aware, to destruct myself (not in a suicidal way) before suddenly I thought about my family. Done with everything, I decided to clean up the mess and continue living.

I'm not saying that if bad things happened to two people it'd be only one party who feel the pain of the destruction. They'll share the pain, I swear. But one party must've been hurt more. This time I don't want to proclaim who's experiencing the suffering more and who's the opposite because the entire perspective is .. it hurt us both. But I forgave me, I forgave the other party for I am sure no matter how difficult things were to us, both I and the other party has never thought about behaving badly and invited this chaos on purpose. It's just life and we're just human with limits. Creatures of boundaries.

Now you see me

There are times when I asked myself whether I will be ready for another try after what happened. The next question hovered around me next couple of weeks: will there be any good people stick with me forever? Because I've come to the point when I couldn't trust people. I didn't even trust myself back then. So maybe people didn't trust me either. Then I stopped thinking about everyone and focused on fixing what's within me because it's easier to do. Slowly but sure I tried to listen more, opened up to happy things and met people those excited me (traveled abroad 3 times this year, read more books, attended an endless number of music performances, came back blogging, etc) and the most important of everything: I cherished someone's effort to be present for me more than ever. My perspective of a relationship was changed to another point of view, that it's important to compromise and it's okay to stop pretending to be happy for the sake of sticking together. Don't be afraid of failure.


Today I'm here as a more solid human being, or as Jesse said "I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them". These obstacles might be big but if it's not because of them I'll never have time to pause and reflect on things around me. As bitter as I can say, maybe I took a lot of things for granted and now I'm up for learning to be a better, much better, kind of human being. 

No clock ticks too early or too late, everything comes just in time. Even if I had the ability to change the scenarios, I'll end up change nothing. This exact thing I'm currently experiencing is the best plan ever made and comes in the most punctual time. For those who are around me during my hard times, thank you so much. I love you to bits and pieces! Happy New Year!